In my last post, indydina (great girl, worth a follow on Twitter) asked via the comment section what “sex positive” meant. As it’s easy enough to Google the term, pop open the first link that comes up (big shocker, it’s Wikipedia) and read that,
“sex-positive is a loosely defined term that applies to a wide variety of elements that embrace social and philosophical attitudes promoting open sexuality with few limits.”
I’ll be self indulgent and assume that she was curious to know what the term meant to me.
As I’ve mentioned previously, the term “sex positive” is one that hasn’t been part of my own personal language for very long. On the other hand, the concept that it represents for me has been a part of my world view for many years in some form or another. More recently, it’s taken a firm grasp and has become an encompassing state of being.
Flirting has always been a huge part of who I am. I do not consider myself indiscriminate in whom I chose to interact with though. On the contrary, I’m quite picky about who I let into my personal space, physical or emotional. Once I open the door though (and this usually happens very quickly; I generally decide in a matter of moments what I think of people) I see no reason to hold back.
Openly flirting with many people can often be seen as sign of personal weakness. For me, flirting means I’m feeling confident and intelligent. A good flirt is usually witty, and wit does not happen in the absence of brains. If I’m feeling depressed or otherwise out of sorts, the quality of my flirting takes a serious nose dive.
This past year, I’ve acknowledged that I am bisexual. This acceptance had nothing to do with feeling uncomfortable about my desires, but rather that I really didn’t know that they weren’t the norm. Sounds weird huh? I always just assumed that all girls looked at other women with a sense of “want”. Why wouldn’t I think so, when women are so lovely to look at. It still baffles me a little to encounter women who feel zero attraction to other women. To me, it’s akin to saying that flowers are ugly and that food tastes bad.
Having said that, my bisexuality doesn’t limit itself to physical attraction alone. Obviously personality has to play a major role as well. I’ve always easily developed friendships with all people, regardless of gender, so there again, in my own mind, I never thought of my behavior as anything but average and normal. It’s never made sense to me that people would default a person to either platonic friend or potential mate simply because of their organs.
The most recent development along the path of my sexual awakening has been becoming polyamorous. Like I discussed, in my very first post on this blog Wifey Gets her Say, it’s been a long time coming. Since we’ve become active polys, I have discovered just how much more comfortable I am in my own skin. I have no other way of describing it. It just “fits”.
I enjoy being able to say exactly what is on my mind without fear of hurting my marriage. The same held true prior to being actively poly, but now I can also tell the other people involved what I’m thinking instead of just telling hubby when I have a crush on someone. Telling someone you have a crush/want to take them to bed, when you are in a monogamous relationship starts falling under the sleazy bracket, and I’ve never been sleazy.
Hubby and I had a discussion yesterday about coming out to his family, particularly to his father now that we’ve been active for a little while. Neither one of us ever foresees a point when this will no longer be something we want to do. Personally, I think deep down, I’ve always wanted this freedom to love without artificial constraints and I cannot imagine going back to the confines of monogamy. Even under the umbrella of polyfidelity.
For an outsider looking in, that might be interpreted as “Wow, that girl is really insatiable”. Often, I think polyamory and being sex positive in general are regarded as things that are reserved for only the highly sexually active. Albeit, sometimes that is the case, but that just isn’t so all the time. To assume that is to miss the point entirely about what it means to really be sex positive.
In loving more people, I’m learning to love myself. I’m loving my attitude, my candor, my humor, how I relate to people, how I accept others for who they are, how I’m more willing to speak to people than I ever have before. I’m no longer living as an island. I’m also learning to accept my body, exactly as it is. With that acceptance comes the freedom to do with it as I please, be it wearing sexier clothes, hug more freely, touch other people and allow myself to be seen and touched in return. It is my firm belief that you can never really love yourself if you aren’t living as honestly in your own skin as possible. Being sex positive to me is all those elements wrapped into one.