Emotional disrespect is everyone’s problem

I came across this article today via twitter. The original tweet was retweeted along with the added comment: “This is what bugs the fuck out of me about a lot of poly people.”  As I was too busy at work to participate in the discussion that ensued, I took the time to read all the comments sent back and forth to which I had access once I got home and wanted to add in my 2cents. Since my response is mostly aimed at the person who added the comment, I’m writing my response in that form:

First of, I agree with you; Douche bag behavior is douche-baggy. It irks the shit out of me too when people act holier than thou and can’t even have the decency of practicing what they preach.

Secondly, I feel that when ever other people’s emotions are in play, respect needs to be the primary concerns for everyone involved, regardless of relationship definition.

You make a point of saying that this behavior bugs you from the poly community. I can understand that you may have had a higher instance of seeing this play out in real life (more so than other people in the community) due to geographic or social group prevalence of this life style. Your experience is worth noting. Broken relationships and lost friends suck.

Having said all this, I can’t help but be bothered by the fact that you specifically point to the poly community. It makes me feel as though you think we’re  prime offenders of this type of hurtful behavior. Other wise, why bother pointing to it directly?

Repartition of attention (affection, time, what have you) is a balancing act that EVERYONE does on a daily basis. It affects not only our romantic partners (be they singular or multiple) but our children, extended family members, friends, colleagues. Etc   Some people have a hard time not playing favorites with their children, while other people effortlessly make all their children feel loved and special and equal among their siblings. The principles are the same. I don’t care what the situation is. I was in a 5 year mono relationship where my partner had an incredibly hard time balancing his relationship with me and the attention I was asking for with his drive to be involved with his work and friends. I constantly felt second rate in his life. It was what ultimately drove us to separate.

So while I understand your frustration with emotional disrespect, you’re looking at a pervasive problem in all human relationships, with what I believe is a biased tunnel vision. I don’t think the way in which you single out the “polys” is helping the non-monogamous community gain acceptance and understanding.