I don’t mean to sound cryptic when I drop 140 characters of inner thoughts on Twitter. It’s just that it’s damn near impossible to express certain things fully without going into the meat of the subject. Sometimes I have trouble thinking things through clearly enough even for me to fully understand what’s going on. I tend not to censor myself through that medium, but sometimes the result might be confusing for those watching my mini train wrecks. So here I am, attempting to make sense of some very complicated emotions.
My heart is in many places right now. Here at home I have my husband, BFP and a few close friends but the poly scene here is practically none existent. Add that to the fact that I’m currently spending 4 nights a week staying with BFP so that I can work in the city. Hubby stays at home, looking for work of his own that will allow us to afford living full time together in the city.
In another country, 15oo miles away lives BFA, his family and girlfriend whom I love dearly and a whole host of poly minded friends and acquaintances. I’ve had the privilege of spending a bit of time in person with a few people from this extended network and continue to talk to many of them on a daily basis. For the most part my social group is online and geographically centered quite far away.
So here I am, living out of a suitcase at the moment watching my friends and loved ones in another part of the world get together for parties and poly group meetings and generally going on, living their lives with a relatively well established network. I don’t begrudge anyone anything, I want to make that clear. It makes me happy to see happiness and acceptance and a community develop in their lives. But the bottom line is, I’d give anything to be able to share it with them in person.
On a more personal level, I see how close BFA’s girlfriend is to his children and wife. She’s really become a part of their family. They spend a great deal of time together. Just to be clear, I love this girl very much and think the world of her. I’m overjoyed for her, knowing how important it is that she have that in her life. But being happy for her and them doesn’t stop me from being envious and feeling insecure. When I was talking to BFA last night I made the comparison to them having meetings and me getting the occasional memo. On some levels I feel I’m part of this family as well; emotionally, that connection is there. In the every day, tangible sense, we might as well be on different planets.
So there it is. One of the many guises of jealousy. I guess it was harder for me to recognize and accept it as such because it’s not directed towards anyone, but rather circumstances. I’ve always associated jealousy as a feeling one has towards a person, not a situation. It’s also one of those “ugly” emotions that poly folks often shy away from. Successful poly people aren’t “supposed” to get jealous, right? Isn’t that the whole idea behind compersion? Well, I guess this is one place where compersion has a harder time reaching.
Thanks for going through the emotional work of composing these thoughts and putting them put there. I think sharing your feelings helps everyone cope with their own. And, wonderful you, the no-jealousy thing is a myth in my experience. I get jealous. Often. I deal with it, but oftentimes it is just the kind of situation you describe. It’s jealousy of situation, not of relation. Hugs and love to you, dear friend. I feel your pain and I’m glad you shared it so we can help.
This was really well written! What you are dealing with is not that uncommon (you are not alone feeling isolated) and entirely understandable. Stupid geography!
Science, WHERE ARE OUR TELEPORTERS?!!!
My favorite (in that it makes the most sense to me) definition of “jealous” is you want someone and no one else can have him or her. Whereas “envy” is when you want something someone else has. (Other good words for envy are “crave” “desire” and “lust after”.) That changes nothing that you feel, of course, and how you use the words doesn’t scare me.
If it feels to you like jealousy, then use the word.
Since I can’t drive and we live in the boonies, I know exactly what you mean. And since I moved here from Montana (where the entire state is boonies), after a year of writing letters with my first love, I totally empathize. Feeling isolated and cut off can be very hard to deal with. Don’t deal with it all by yourself, reach out for help as you’re doing here (although obliquely, it’s still effective) and know you have sympathy and support. *HUG*
Re: “Successful poly people aren’t “supposed” to get jealous, right?”
Personally, I think the “Poly people never feel jealous” trope is a particularly silly, damaging one that is more likely to keep people from understanding and being honest about their feelings than to do any good for anyone.
I’ve been tossing around my response to this in my head all morning…
I can definitely empathize, dear one, although the degree of frustration that geography causes for you is far different than mine.
My immediate reaction was to try to do something to fix it… More of something, less of something, who knows, just fix it! Make the Sophie happy! I don’t like the thought of you being sad.
In the end, there’s nothing I can do to fix your innate Canadian-ness. Le sigh.
Know that you are loved very much. And if there is anything in my power that can make you feel better, please just say the word. Otherwise, please know that you are safe to express your frustration any time you want. If you kept it locked inside you would likely go insane.
Love you, sweetie!
Thank you all very much for your lovely comments and support. Things may not be as perfect as I’d like them to be sometimes, but really, a girl couldn’t ask for better people to surround her. Love you all.
First, Kelley’s “Le sigh” is too funny!
No one is jealousy-proof, and poly or not, anyone admitting to feeling jealous is a lot more evolved than people who think it’s a feeling that, at best, is worth stewing in, or at worst, MUST be acted on – you know, in the form of gunning someone down or something.
Isolation sucks, but so does being in the wrong situation. That’s not much, but that’s all I know for sure. Anything else I’m thinking of saying is just sounding all mom-sy philosophical like, and I don’t want to make you gag or anything.