A few random thoughts and emails

I spend a lot of my private time talking about my relationships, either with friends or amongst my partners. I guess that’s not too surprising considering this is how I live my life 24/7.  Sometimes little nuggets of clarity can emerge from a simple email exchange.  I’d like to share a few of these with you.

The first is an email I wrote to all three of my guys. I’ll sometimes do this because I’m A) lazy and don’t want to write up three separate emails B) I would feel weird sending an exact copy of the same thing without making it known that the other two have received the same thing. Why hide the fact that I’m addressing all of them? I don’t know how many other people in poly relationships do this type of thing, especially when it’s a situation like mine, where I have three partners who know each other but do not have relationships of their own together. They are friends, but no more. Anyways, this works for me, so I continue doing it. Here is what I wrote:

Hello my dearest,

Ok, long story short. I figured out something about myself today and thought it was worth passing along to you.

If I keep coming back at you with the same question, over and over, like “are you sure you’re ok with XYZ”, even though you’ve said yes; the issue will boil down to me having doubts about what ever plan I’m considering. I didn’t realize I was doing this until I had an epiphany today, and I may not realize I’m doing it again in the future. When you seem me doing the broken record thing, stop and ask me what’s wrong, get me to figure out what’s bugging me about the situation.
It’ll be quicker this way and more productive.

When I ask for something I really want and you say yes, I’ll rarely ask twice. I’ll want to act before you get a chance to change your mind.

Love and kisses to all, and to all a good night!

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Today,  I was talking with a very close friend of mine. She has been happily married and monogamous for well over a decade. While neither she nor her husband are interested in opening up their marriage, she is very curious and seems to enjoy trying to understand things from my perspective. Here is an email I wrote to her:

I’m touched that my cracked way of looking at life has actually been of some benefit to you.  I’ve never claimed to have any of the answers (Ok, that’s a lie, but you know what I mean) but I think I’m managing pretty well for myself. I guess the decisions we come to about our place in life and love and how we feel in relation to those things is a place everyone has to arrive at on their own. I’ve found that my way of looking at things has helped me tremendously, but it doesn’t mean it works for everyone. Although, I have had compliments on my brain. lol  BFA says he’s in love with the way I think.

Anyhoo as for the one true love thing… I guess I should probably have specified that I believe it is a myth for the majority of people. But certainly not all. My parents are a prime example as are you and your husband.  Life long monogamy does work, but I don’t believe it’s a system that is successful for the vast majority of people. Being indoctrinated in that way of thinking leads to unhappy relationship, cheating spouses, bitter divorces and generally a lot of misery.

Hubby and have always looked at each other as people first and lovers second. People change, mature, and sometimes grow apart. We’ve always promised each other to respect each other as people first, before pushing the spousal “obligations”.  We have both always agreed that a compatible match one day doesn’t by default put you in the happily forever after bin. That’s just us, doesn’t mean that’s most people either. Living in this way, I’ve had to put to use my analytical mind even more so than before. It’s a challenge, but one I enjoy and thrive on.  Most of the “work” that goes into my relationship is done in my head. I have, what I think are, exceptionally easy, wonderful relationships. Fighting isn’t something I’m all that well acquainted with.  I tend to work through my hurt feelings before bringing them to the table. I always say what’s on my mind though. I just tend not to accuse. I’ll say “what you said or did made me feel like XYZ. This is not pleasant and I’d like to find a way to avoid that happening again.” I haven’t had a single argument with either Hubby, BFA or BFP since all of this started. There have been no difficult issues to work through because I

bring things to the table way before they have a chance to fester in my mind. They are all learning to do the same with me and I think it might be helping them out in their other relationships as well.

To get back to your point though. I don’t think the main goal of being in multiple relationships should be to fill the “voids” your other partner presents. Or at least, I tend to look at it in a more positive light. People have multiple friendships at once because they recognize the value of knowing different types of people with a variety of interests. Some of our friends are comforting, others push our boundaries and make us grown, others are just fun to hang out with. Polyamory isn’t all that different, with the exception of romantic feelings being allowed to fully develop. I guess the question then becomes, why not just be friends with these people, why take it to the next level? My question is, why not? It’s rewarding and enjoyable. The main reason multiple relationships aren’t more common I think is because of how people have been brought up to view love and marriage. For the most part it’s a societal conformity issue.  There’s also something very reassuring about ‘nailing down” a partner forever. For a lot of people marriage is a security blanket. I find it much more reassuring to be developing the skills that are allowing me to have successful relationships. Multiple partners or not.

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So there you have it, a quick look into the darker corners of my psyche.  I may decide to share more emails with you in the future.  Since I’m always “on” so to speak when I write, a lot of my personal communications end up reading a bit like blog posts anyways. I don’t know if any of what I write will ever help anyone deal with their own relationships, but I’d like to think that maybe at some point it will or at the very least, spark some interesting conversations with their partners.

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