Recently, I’ve been dealing with the differences in perception with regards to romantic norms. We’ve told many of our friends as well as my sister that we are polyamorous and all of them have been very accepting/curious and open with us. I decided to tell my parents very early on because we have a very close relationship and it would have felt out of place for me to keep this information from them. My mom was very accepting right from the start. My father spent quite a few months holding onto false assumptions and it wasn’t until I recently challenged the topic with him that we really sat down and had a frank discussion. I think it made him uncomfortable to think of me in any romantic context other than my marriage. I’m pretty sure he assumed it was all about sex. I can see why that would make him want to avoid the topic with me.
Now that we’ve come to a point where we’re feeling increasingly comfortable labeling ourselves publicly as polyamorous, we’ve been discussing how/when to open up the topic with our wider circle. We’ve both been feeling very ambivalent about coming out to hubby’s father and have been debating whether or not to even tell him. Our relationship with him is mostly superficial and long distance. He visits a few times a year and call/emails daily, but mostly it’s just chit chat. He’s never been a man to have conversations about emotional topics and tends to shy away when one opens up in his presence. Personally, I would be happy leaving him out of this particular loop except for a few “small” details. Hubby feels uncomfortable with the occasional lie that we’ve had to tell and there is a possibility of us sharing a home with one of my partners in the coming months.
Since my mother and I are very close, I decided to ask her advice on this matter earlier today over the phone. Her initial response was not unexpected and followed pretty well in line with my thoughts on the issue. “Only tell him what he needs to know, when and if he needs to know it.” What she said next hit a nerve though and has led me to give this matter a fair bit of thought. To sum up her opinion, she said that as a parent of a grown child, there comes a point where a child’s private life should no longer be of any serious concern to the parent so long as the child is happy and safe. What we do “in the privacy of our bedroom” is really none of anyone’s business but our own and we shouldn’t feel obliged to tell anyone about it whether those people be friends, family or parents. She was even a little concerned that we’d opened up to our friends. She thought it would make us vulnerable to gossip. I explained to her that the people with whom I share my life are just as important to me as my husband and that I didn’t see a reason to mask the relationships under the veil of “just being friends” with other people; which was her advice when introducing our other partners to friends or family. Not only would this be uncomfortable for myself and my partners, it would be disrespectful to my relationships.
One of the main reasons I told her in the first place was so that I didn’t have to cover up the truth when talking to her and so that I would be able to have mother/daughter talks with her about all my relationships, not just my marriage. The fact that she said today that she would have been just as fine not knowing was quite a blow. I understand what she was trying to say though. In her mind, it’s none of her business. Now that she does know, she’ll support me, but she wanted me to know that I wasn’t obligated to tell her. Hubby’s aunt, the only member of his family to whom we’ve come out told us just about the same thing; so long as we were happy this wasn’t anyone else’s business but our own.
I take huge issue with this stance. Being polyamorous isn’t a kinky hobby we do on weekends. We aren’t swingers going to clubs and picking up random people to fuck. This is a lifestyle choice that could potentially affect our family structure, and any children we may or may not choose to have. As such, we and others like us are subject to the laws and prejudices of our country and fellow citizens. This piece from the Vancouver Sun I trust will illustrate my point well. Still today, the LGBT community fight for their right to marry, have children and form family units that fit their life and loves. As polyamorous people, we might soon find ourselves publicly fighting the exact same issues.
So no, this isn’t a question of what goes on behind bedroom doors. It has everything to do with respecting personal choices, seeking acceptance for who and what we are as individuals and as a community, not being ashamed of how we live and who we chose to love.
In short, I agree with you.
My personal policy is to be as open as seems sensible, to whomever might want or need to know. I told my parents as soon as possible, because it is pertinent information. They care if I’m happy.
That was almost 30 years ago.
Also, I answer direct questions, because I am proud of my family and delighted with my choices. That is what I hope to project to those who seek to understand, or who I think need to understand. Polyamory is absolutely not right for everyone, any more than being gay is. Poly (I think) is a temperament difference rather than genetic but it is no less valid and no more changeable. However, it should be an accepted choice, just as same sex relationships are/should be, and the only way to get there from here is to get the word out. We are valid, it can work, here are the basics, here is what works for me, this is how long my relationships have lasted, your curiosity is normal and please yes, ask. Assumptions are often quite wrong.
This was a fantastic post. Your last two paragraphs resonated strongly with me. You phrased it in a way that I’ve been struggling to. Whether we like it or not, there is a larger impact to our very presence. Societal acceptance is crucial if we don’t want to be treated as freaks and abominations (both of which are terms I’ve heard used in reference to poly people).
It can be as simple as merely not being ashamed of who/what you are or one can choose to become a vocal advocate, directly challenging the status quo. Whichever end of the “out” spectrum we choose to lean towards, the very fact that we exist and aren’t ashamed is critical to educating the masses. The LGBT community has learned this lesson and we should take notes.
I’m very proud of you for opening yourself up so much and being willing to face the possibly adverse consequences of coming out.
[...] So no, this isn’t a question of what goes on behind bedroom doors. It has everything to do with respecting personal choices, seeking acceptance for who and what we are as individuals and as a community, not being ashamed of how we live and who we chose to love. via initforthelove.wordpress.com [...]
When a friend told me she is polyamorous, I already realized it takes many forms. I met her because I used to be pagan, and while connecting with pagan/wiccan groups, I discovered several pagans in this area also are polyamorous. There are as many different kinds of relationships as there are poly people. People who fear “being polyamorous [is] a kinky hobby [you] do on weekends…going to clubs and picking up random people to fuck” (OMFSM that cracked me up!!) just aren’t thinking! If they would open their minds and hearts a little, they might learn something about the world and about themselves. I certainly have.
From the mom point of view that some things are none of my business, I can relate to your mom. Even though I discussed birth control, STDs, etc. with my daughter when she was a preteen, by the time she called me from college for $$ for Planned Parenthood, I realized I had information I really didn’t want. I got over it, though. I brought her into the world, so it’s my responsibility to give her the best tools possible for living in it, open communication being one of the top five!